Monday, January 7, 2013

Breaking the Silence

When dealing with people who are mentally ill, I usually cut them a lot of slack, because I know myself how hard it is to deal with mental illness, and that sometimes you can't help it and act somewhat irrationally. But when a person is using their mental illness as an excuse to constantly harm others, and continues to do so despite being ignored in the hopes they would eventually stop, it's time to speak out and put the record straight. I'm sorry it had to come to this, and if you are not interested in personal drama, I advise you to simply not read on from here.

Yes, this post is about Alex, formerly known as Al1981X, now operating under the name AllBabies AreRapists.

First I would like to address the series of seven videos that man has made about me, after our relationship ended, and I may add that he did that completely unprovoked. I did not contact him anymore, I did not talk about him publicly, I simply moved on, and I think that was his main problem, as can be heard in his videos, which were originally uploaded to his old channel and then mirrored by none other than dearest xxxild, on a channel she specifically created for that purpose. But this blog is not about her, so let's continue. I suggest you watch it all here in order to understand the points I am addressing below.

Claims made in Following Felida Chapter One 'Christmas 2011':


1. He was flattered by the attention I gave him.

Actually, I gave him no more or less attention than I gave to anyone else in the group. I actually had my eyes set on someone else at the time, but knew I'd have no chance with that person for various reasons. In that group we all had quite a lot of talk with sexual innuendo, and after one of such group talks, it was Alex who approached me in private, suggesting he wanted to get to know me better, which led to our first time cybersexing.


2. He claims that I was his Domme and he was my sub.

Nothing could be further from the truth, and this is a blatant lie. While I am a Domme for the most part, I made it perfectly clear that I valued him as a partner, not a submissive, and there were multiple occasions where we reversed roles in our sexual play. In our everyday lives, he took on a much more dominant role than I did, mainly because I was a push over at the time, but I will get into that later.


3. His OCD

While I did watch the film dirty, filthy love as he suggested and desperately tried to understand him, he continuously used his OCD as an excuse to be vile towards me without the need to apologize for his behaviour. Anyone who watches that film will also see the abuse the environment of the person with OCD is suffering from, as well as the immense burden someone without OCD is carrying, when trying to learn about it. He also claims he was under the impression I was stable at the time. Either he paid no attention to anything I said then, or he simply chose to ignore it, because he should have been well aware that I was anything but fine at the time, however, he constantly put his own mental issues before mine, expected me to be accomodating to his regular outbursts, yet denied me any understanding in regards to my own condition.


4. Elephants

Yes, we did establish quickly, that I have a concentration problem. The way it manifests is that I can only concentrate on one thing at a time and everything else is just a blur. This means, for example, that when I am typing or reading something, I can not simultaneously listen to someone. It can happen, that in the middle of a conversation something else catches my attention (such as an instant message coming in while I am in a skype call, at which point anything said in such a call might be drowned out while I am reading the message). I used to often try to follow both, but quickly learned that this is not possible. What he however describes wrongly is my reaction to his "monkey blood-whiskey" story. At no point did I refuse to believe that he had just told me such a story, on the contrary, I have a history of my children abusing this problem of mine to get permission for things they normally wouldn't get when I can actually hear what they are saying, for example asking me for permission to sleep over at a friend's house during a school night while I am typing something (I used to work from home occasionally, because it made it easier for me to concentrate there rather than sitting at a busy office with people constantly talking), and I quickly established with my children that asking me permission for anything while I am clicking away on the keyboard or looking at my screen was not a valid permission. My actual reaction was laughter, because he got away with telling me such a story and getting no reaction other than "hmmm, sure, yeah" out of me, which was such obvious proof that he didn't have any of my attention at all, and myself being quite shocked at how long my mind had wandered off to something else. At no point did I state that I didn't believe him, and I find it quite malicious that he is so blatantly abusing one of my mental issues to twist it into a story to make me feel bad. We had agreed that he would make up stories like that now and then when he felt my mind had wondered off, just to be sure that when he said something important, I wouldn't just nod it off without actually hearing it, and we both thought it was a funny way of tackling the problem. It's quite sad to now see him abuse this for ammo against me.


5. He claims I said I always have to be in a relationship

This is absolutely not correct. What I did state is that I am not good at being alone. And that was as a response to him asking me to give him time to decide whether he still wanted to be with me or not. I am not good at being alone means I will eventually consider myself single, go out and have sex and be open to the possibility that I may end up in another relationship with someone. This does in no way mean I am craving a relationship or that I need one. I was fine being single for well over a year and had my fun. That does not mean I was alone.


6. Why I did not postpone my visit

He claims I had plenty of things to do and put visiting him above taking care of my issues in order to get my children back. Nothing could be further from the truth, so here is why I did not postpone: My biggest problem with my household was the junk that had accumulated due to me being a compulsive hoarder (commonly referred to as Messie in German, and I falsely assumed that this word was commonly used in the English language as well, which is why I didn't explain it to Alex in more detail earlier. Something he knew about before making his videos though, and failed to mention). Due to various circumstances I was not able to remove all the junk without help, so I did what cleaning I could do before my trip, but anything beyond that I had to wait for an appointment with a company that specialises in clearing out the places of compulsive hoarders. That appointment was not until April, so I was stuck sitting on my thumbs in a place I hated, without my children, and completely unable to progress any further until the appointment. When talking the situation over with my psychiatrist, she suggested I take a break from what she referred to as my self-made prison, either by going on vacation or if needed even checking into a clinic, just to get out of there for a while. When I told her I had already booked tickets to England, she encouraged me to go, especially since my good friend Rachael had offered me to stay in her beautiful little house in a very nice and remote area in Norfolk, just the kind of setting I would need to calm down and find a bit of peace. Alex knew that, because I told him about it when he suggested I can postpone my visit, so he is definitely twisting the truth in that part of the video.


7. A reason why he couldn't fly to me

It is not surprising why he dismisses that point so quickly without actually giving a reason, because he never had any true reason. On various occasions he claimed he didn't have the money, although as he said himself in his video, the flight would have been rather cheap, and considering he was able to afford a bottle of whisky almost daily, he would have had the money within less than a week, if he had lowered his booze consumption just slightly, a point which we argued about on a regular basis. At one point he even told me point blank that I should not make him choose between myself and alcohol, as he would pick the alcohol over me. That should have caused my alarm bells going off, and it did, but I chose to ignore it, because at that time I was at my lowest mentally. I had just had my children removed from my household, lived in a dump I hated, and the only person I thought I could depend on at the time told me alcohol was more important to him than me. And while he became verbally abusive whenever he drank, I chose to put up with it, because I felt at the time like losing yet another person I loved would kill me. Every time I brought up the issue of him possibly visiting me, even if it was just telling him when flights would be cheap, he would flip out on me and tell me that I am putting pressure on him. The truth is more likely that he simply didn't want to come visit, because it was much more convenient to not have to put any effort whatsoever into this relationship, knowing I would instead.


Claims made in Following Felida Chapter Two 'Little Snoring':


1. He initiated the first physical intimacy

 What he neglects to mention is why I found him oddly shy and reserved to begin with. After having shared plenty of intimacy via webcam during skype calls, I was extremely happy to see the man I felt so close to already, but when he got off the coach at Stansted, he was even reluctant to give me a hug. He told me later that he was going to greet me with a handshake instead, which I didn't expect after all the adorable texting back and forth. I didn't become aware of his reluctance until I threw my arms around him and kissed him, at which point I noticed him stiffen up. I wasn't sure at the time what to make of it, so I backed off, thinking that perhaps my physical appearance bothered him. This has something to do with my self-perception. I know I am overweight, and while I am aware that my outward appearance should not matter to someone who loves me for who I am, I have very low self esteem when it comes to my body and need constant reassurance from my partner. Yes, this is one of my mental issues, and it makes me quite clingy. I need my partner to show that he doesn't mind my body, and that includes showing who he is with in public. Alex shied away so quickly, that it was an instant and completely shattering blow to my self esteem, so I removed myself from possible rejection by simply backing off and crawling back into my shell, and I stayed there until he later on initiated our first physical intimacy in the most unromantic way possible: By suggesting I give him that blowjob I had promised. This, in my mind, confirmed further, that he wanted nothing to do with my body, so I was even more reluctant to show myself to him without clothes on. His further behaviour seemed to confirm this more and more, and throughout our relationship he was quite reluctant when it came to touching me, even when we became more comfortable around each other.


2. Felida wanted to talk about an ex who had died by his own hand a day earlier

Firstly, that person was not an ex, he was merely someone who abused my vulnerability in a bad situation to take advantage of me sexually. Secondly, he did not kill himself, he died of organ failure. Thirdly, I didn't want to talk about him, we were just talking and somehow the issue of that person came up, if I remember correctly, it was even Alex who brought him up while we talked about the recent deaths of various YouTubers, since there had been a few over the past months.


3. Felida seemed pleased the man was dead

This is a blatant lie. I did say that I did not care about his death either way, which I think is only fair, considering the hell that person put me through. It is also a lie that Alex didn't know about what that person had done to me. I didn't laugh, I didn't smirk, I simply refused to fake some kind of remorse over someone's death.


4. Felida wanted to have sex again, I didn't.

Considering the first sex he was referring to was simply me giving him a blowjob and not getting anything out of it myself, yes, I wanted sex. He didn't seem as opposed as he now makes it out to be. If he didn't want sex, he never said so, and he willingly participated, although the sex itself was disappointing and continued to be so throughout our relationship. I did however not want to hurt his feelings, so I continued faking orgasms, since he continued asking me whether he was good, paired with some completely unneeded penis size worries. In retrospect I have to say faking orgasms was probably a bad idea, especially because I was being dishonest with someone I cared about, but I did it to not hurt his self esteem the way he hurt mine.


5. By Felida's own admission she treated me like a possession and belittled me a bit

That is a complete and blatant lie, and I have no clue where the hell he pulled that one from. We were playfully bantering the entire evening we spent with our friends, all of us, including him. To now turn this into me belittling him and treating him like a possession is completely ridiculous, even more so when claiming that I admitted to doing so.


Claims made in Following Felida Chapter Three 'Truth & Lies'


1. Domme/sub

Once again he claims I was his Domme, which is not true. Also, he appears to blame me for his feelings being hurt over being stronger than him physically. I'm awfully sorry, but I already faked orgasms to not hurt his fragile ego. There is only so much I can fake to appease a man's fragile ego.


2. Felida and the Silence

Alex admits in his own video that I did not rile him up against people, yet he felt he had to develope a hatred against certain individuals, as if I have some mental power over him, which in itself sounds quite crazy. What Alex neglects to mention is the fact that on the sheer basis of being with me, Alex was attacked by those individuals himself. They engaged with him, not the other way around. I know he will not admit this anymore, now that he has befriended those people, as they do with everyone who suddenly opposes me for whatever reason, but the evidence of those contacts is still safely stored on my PC, from downloaded videos over comments screenshots. The mentioned vitriol our conversations were made out of was often initiated by him. I repeatedly told him to just ignore their attacks, whether against me or himself, and that eventually they would go away. Something I had a hard time learning in the past. These people function in a very simplistic way: They throw bile your way and hope for a response, just to quotemine you. The more upset you are, the more ammunition you give them. Alex however insisted that I report to him every time one of them contacted me. He also insisted I supply him with everything I knew about them, from personal details over who they are friends with to things they said and how they acted. I often told him I simply didn't want to bother with it anymore, at which point he would get upset with me, so to appease him I gave him what he wanted, and in return he dropped docs, threatened them with revealing personal things and waged a complete war on them, which they then blamed me for and he now does as well. He is not only being dishonest now, but is also neglecting to tell the story about how he pressured me to continue getting involved by supplying him with information. At that time I simply wasn't strong enough to oppose him, and as a consequence I am now being blamed for his behaviour while he claims to be the innocent victim.

Claims made in Following Felida Chapter Four 'The Hardest Word to Say':


1. Felida told me she loves me while belittling me

Let's make one thing perfectly clear: When I love someone, I tell them so. Sometimes too often, agreed, but it simply slips out. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and when I am in a situation that reminds me why I love someone, it pops out of my mouth. That however does in no way mean that I do not criticise the person I love, when he/she acts out of line. Alex however can not handle criticism well. There were plenty of occasions where I tried to explain to him why his actions were not welcome, try to make him see where he behaved in a very hurtful manner, and I assume he considers those situations belittling him, when actually it is pointing out how he is being extremely hurtful towards others. A prime example is the fight we continued referring to as 'The Omelette'. To this day he believes that he did absolutely nothing wrong, and that I am the one to blame for it all, that I overreacted, that I have no reason to complain. So what is this Omelette? It occurred during a time when I was still in the process of regularly getting my house inspected to check on the progress made, in order to get my children back. It was the weekend, and I had an inspection following on Monday, so I wanted to do as much as I could over that weekend, but I also wanted to spend some time with Alex. We were both online in the morning, and as every day, were talking in our regular skype group, but he said he had a few things to do and would be back later. Considering I had plenty of cleaning to do myself, I asked him when he would be back, so we would be able to spend some time together in between our other activities. His response was to tell me that he didn't know, but that I could edit a video for him in the meantime (at the time I was editing most of his videos for him, since he didn't know how to). I told him I had other things to do that were more important, and that I just wanted a rough estimate on when he'd be back, so I could make time for him then. I never got a proper response, which annoyed me quite a bit, but I left it at that, went to cleaning and simply hoped that by checking into the skype call now and then I'd notice when he's back. Later in the day, I got lucky and he was back in the call, so I took a break from cleaning to spend some time with him. However, he told me that he had to go do something else again and that he'd be back later. Once again I asked him for a rough estimate, because I didn't feel like periodically checking the skype call yet again. And once again he suggested I can use the time he is gone to edit his video for him. At that point I did get quite snide with him, yes, but I am sure you can understand why. He knew about my situation, knew about the inspection coming up, knew I had things to do, yet rather than simply giving me a rough estimate of when he'd be back for us to have some quality time, he suggested I do something for him again. So I responded with "I don't need occupational therapy, I have plenty of things I can fill my time with while you are gone. I asked you for a time when you'd be back, not something to occupy myself with while you're gone. Basically, I am telling you I am thirsty, and you are offering me a fucking omelette." You should also be aware that I asked him for a time for a reason. There had been many situations previous to that, where he told me he'd be back to spend time with me later in the day, but then never showed up, making me feel like the stupid idiot waiting in the corner for Prince Charming to return and then being stood up. His reaction to that was to not speak to me for two straight days. And afterwards he kept insisting that I flipped out on him for no reason at all. He kept bringing this "fight" up every time we had an argument, claiming I was the one that acted out of line and that he had done nothing wrong at all, when he just took for granted that I'd always be there to edit his videos, be at his disposal and just wait until he has the good grace to show up and give me a few minutes of his precious time, as if I had no life other than him. Just to make peace, I later on suggested we simply misunderstood each other and to just drop it, and he later on held that against me as well, insisting I should have apologized for it, and that he was the nice one for dropping it when I did him so wrong. We had many more situations similar to that, where he simply refused to acknowledge my needs, was all selfish about things, then flipped out on me. Video editing is a good example. Rather than continuing to edit his videos for him, I suggested I teach him how to. Instead of accepting my offer, he flipped out on me, telling me he hated even the simplest video editing program, because he didn't understand it, and I was just making it worse by making him feel stupid by trying to explain it to him. He had no qualms however, sending me unedited video footage after footage and expecting me to edit it all for him, without so much as giving me even the slightest bit of credit for hours worth of work. I was simply being taken for granted, and I didn't like it at all. And every time I voiced that, I was made out to be the aggressor.


2. Felida threatened to close her channels down

As a matter of fact, me stating I would close my channels down had nothing to do with that "break", which were the two days he wouldn't speak to me, as seen in above chapter. I simply didn't want to be on YouTube anymore with all the shit that was going on in my real life and the trolls being worse than ever, mostly thanks to Alex feeding them. However, every time I so much as suggested I wanted to leave YouTube, Alex would throw a fit at me, so I decided to leave them open for the sake of him not flipping out on me. Alex himself threatened to close his channels down on multiple occasions, usually when I refused to give him the information about the trolls he asked me for, or when we had any kind of argument. Funnily enough, after he broke up, he also threatened to shut down his channels if anyone finds out about the breakup. I told him I really didn't care anymore if he did or not. His usual way of pressuring me into compliance didn't work anymore then, and I had stopped caring after the way he had treated me during that break up, which I will talk more about later.


3. I don't know if she remembers saying this, or if she notices she's flipped out on people

This is a wonderful attempt of his, trying to turn my concentration issues into a cover up for his lies. While I may not remember what people have said to me at times, I do very well remember what I say. And I never told him I would kill myself if he broke up. I am assuming that he has picked that wonderful bit of slander up from FreethinkerOnIce, who at another point claimed I threatened him with suicide, but failed to mention that I told him that not because I was threatened with being left, but because he kept contacting me, repeatedly calling both my hardline and cellphone and sending me messages on skype over and over again, the log of which I still have, and have also shown to people before to confirm that this indeed what had happened. In regards to my "flipping out", let's just say that Alex considered anything and everything flipping out, especially when he was drunk. I had one situation where I agreed to talk to him while cleaning, but would have to put him on speakers and talk to him from across the room. Since I had no clue how well my headset would pick up sound from that far away (as the microphone is normally an inch away from my mouth), I raised my voice a bit, so that he could still hear me, and he immediately claimed I was shouting at him and flipping out, and would not accept the perfectly reasonable explanation for why I raised my voice at all. At the same time he felt he was justified in shouting at me all the time, and not just shouting but also hanging up skype calls mid sentence, whenever he didn't like what I had to say, yet the one time I hung up on him because he hurled abuse at me, I was yet again the guilty party in his book.


4. I didn't remember this for a long time

Perhaps the reason he couldn't remember any suicide threat is because there simply was none, and he made it up in his sick mind in retrospect. Considering he is often delusional, I wouldn't be surprised. However, I will not allow that man to use his own delusions as "facts" against me.


Claims made in Following Felida Chapter Five 'Stairwell'


1. Description of a 'Stairwell'

Let me ask you this: I have told you about the 'Omelette' above, and how Alex refused to talk to me for two days following that particular fight. Now what needs to be pointed out is that he did not specifically state he needed time off, he simply went offline and didn't give any indication when he'd be back or that he simply needed time away. And also funnily enough, he would interact with other people, but not with me around those times, until such a time where I would indicate that I am willing to take at least some of the blame for the situation. I'd say it's not a completely faulty assumption that this sort of behaviour indicates a form of punishment by ignoring. Something you would do to a toddler who is throwing a tantrum. You see, the way he described his 'Stairwell' to me was quite different, and he didn't explain it to me until after I'd already crawled back to him, playing the sorry party that committed all the sins of the world. He explained to me, that in stressful situations, he'd panic and run away, as an example using a situation on a job, where something became so stressful that he ran out into a stairwell that had no exit other than going right back out through the office, and he'd sit in that stairwell for hours. While I can understand and relate to such panic attacks, What he described in the video was not at all like this. He now claims a stairwell is calmly asking for a break, which is complete and utter bullshit. Also, if a stairwell actually were like the situation he described to me, he'd be too panicky to act normal around others, as if nothing were wrong. Yet he only ignored me during those times, which leads me to believe I am not the one projecting anything, but that I am spot on, and he is using his mental illness as a cover up to yet again shift blame on me.


2. Comparing a Stairwell to a Safe Word

As described above, he drew a completely wrong comparison. While I am not nor ever was his Domme, I am a Domme, and I understand safe words perfectly well. The thing about safe words however is, that the submissive has to actually use them. While it is true that a proper Domme will also notice when a submissive is in distress, may be in subspace and hence incapable of using the safe word, what Alex did in regards to his 'Stairwell' with me in no way indicates that it was a similar situation as in the actual stairwell he described to me in private and later in the video. Had he actually been in distress, he wouldn't have flaunted his "I am fine" attitude both on YouTube and in the group chat in his "in your face" manner.


Claims made in Following Felida Chapter Six 'Della Winters':


1. Felida believes Ruby was naive

Did I have a right to assume that Ruby was overly naive in claiming she loved a person she had never laid eyes upon nor spoken to in at least a voice chat? I think I do. I am quite naive myself when it comes to trusting people, as my relationship with Alex proves, but even I would not have gone as far as assuming that someone who refuses to speak to me in voice chat or show him/herself on camera is actually in a loving and caring relationship with me. And while I do think Ruby did have her feelings hurt and that in actuality Ashe's actions were illegal (as Alex admits I supplied him with proof for), I do think I have every right to call someone naive when they are being naive.


2. Recording Ashe

Alex did inform me of his plans to record Ashe, and I informed him that after some research I found out that while recording him would be legal, distributing that recording would not be, according to UK law. Other than that I still don't get why he makes a whole chapter about Della with my name pinned to it. I neither advised him for or against recording Ashe, I simply dug up the according paragraphs in regards to the legality for him.


Claims made in Following Felida Chapter Seven 'The Next Jesus & the New Satan':


1. Felida and I were not communicating and she didn't care about my feelings at all

It is absolutely true that we were not communicating. I myself complained about that multiple times. Every attempt of mine to communicate, especially when it came to me trying to understand his mental condition better, was met with "I don't want to talk about this right now." Occasionally he'd respond with "I can't talk about this when I'm sober", yet when drunk he'd get easily aggravated over nothing, ending up in hurling abuse at me again. The claim that I didn't care about him at all is highly ridiculous. I put my own hurt feelings on the backburner so many times, just as to not upset him. Every time he yelled at me for no reason, every time he took out his aggression on me because something didn't work, every time he didn't know how to handle certain programs on his computer and then flipped out on me when I tried to explain it to him, either because I was "speaking in a language he didn't understand" when I assumed a certain basic knowledge, or when I was "patronizing him" when I tried to explain things in a more simplistic way. Trying to explain anything to Alex is walking on eggshells. If you don't give enough detail, he claims you are deliberately trying to make yourself look smarter than him, if you give too much detail, you're being patronizing. If you refuse to explain anything for fear of not managing the eggshell walk that day, you're flipping out for no reason, if you refuse to do his work for him because he refuses to learn himself, you are flipping out as well. In a perfect world according to Alex he is the only one allowed to yell abuse and demand you don't take it personally, he is the only one allowed to hang up on you when he feels you're not communicating properly, he is the only one that is allowed to take a break, because when you need one, you're throwing a fit, but he never is. I walked on eggshells throughout the entire relationship. In order to not hurt his feelings I faked orgasms, blamed my own body for him not wanting to touch me, took the blame for all his inadequacies, because of course it was all my fault for not explaining things right, when he didn't understand something, and it was also my fault for wanting to teach him how to do his own things rather than me simply doing them for him, because doing things for him was something I was expected to do at all times.


2. The yelling, the belittling, the symptoms of mental illness

Let's get this straight, the person doing the most yelling was him. But of course it was something I was supposed to tolerate, because it's part of his mental illness. The belittling, again, his interpretation of me trying to explain things to him, but using too much detail, because he had previously yelled at me for not being detailed enough. I never picked on him for symptoms of his mental illness, that is his own game. That is what he did throughout our relationship as well as his video series. Every time he caught me in a moment of attention lapse, he laughed about it endlessly and felt it was so funny to tell the story to others, especially that with the monkey blood-whiskey. The fact that I might find that embarrassing never occurred to him. He found it perfectly acceptable to joke at the expense of my mental illness, abuse my insecurity about myself and my love for him. If anyone is projecting now, it's him.


3. He wasn't doing well and I knew about it

First of all, he blatantly lies when he claims I knew about his symptoms (hairloss, diarrhoea, etc.) Cry me a fucking river at this point though. He clearly acknowledged my physical problems in the beginning of his video series. He knew I was never completely doing well. He had hairloss? Well, he never told me about it. However, I didn't see any hairloss when he showed himself to me on camera shortly before the break up. On the contrary, he had his hair, only he had dyed it red at the time and told me he was debating getting it cut short again. No mention of hairloss, no mention of illness. Sorry for not being a psychic. I guess I should have known that as well. And no, I never used me not being well to get him to talk to me again. Each time I clearly stated that we needed to communicate rather than him just not talking to me. There were plenty of times he refused to talk to me and acted like I did something wrong without even telling me what I supposedly had done. Way to go, Mr. Communicator.


4. Felida ignored discretion

In order to cover that, I think I'll first have to state how this breakup went about. It started with that argument about me supposedly yelling at him, when all I did was raise my voice when speaking to him from across the room. This happened on a Friday evening. As usual, he hung up on me, dismissing my explanation, and vanished, removing me from Skype. I had too much at stake to worry about his sensitive feelings, since that Friday my daughter had finally been allowed to move back in with me, which meant less time for him anyway, and a follow up inspection of my apartment on Monday. I did not hear from him again until Monday morning, when I received an email from him, in which he broke up with me, blaming me for everything but the Kennedy assassination. With an hour to go until my appointment, I wasn't in the best of state after receiving such an email (and what a cowardly way to break up anyway). So I poured my heart out to a close friend, one I know I can trust, and he managed to build me up again a bit, so that I was able to get on with that appointment reasonably well and get the final decision that it is fine for my daughter to be back home with me. Alex then threw a hissy fit at me, when he asked me if I had told anyone about the break up, and I answered him truthfully. This is the "indiscretion" he is referring to. Talking to a friend. I told him he had no say in who I talk to, especially now that we are broken up, and that was the last time we ever talked. I never once made a single video or public remark about the way he treated me until after he had released his video series, and even then I kept commenting to a minimum and soon after that decided to ignore him and his shenanigans completely, although he kept trying to provoke me.


5. I was told to go and kill myself

This is indeed true. I did tell a mutual contact to tell him to go kill himself after he had broken up with me in such a cowardly way. What he neglects to mention is that within 5 minutes I also apologized for that harsh statement and explained that it was made out of anger and hurt feelings, and that I did not actually mean it.


6. Felida ensured I knew about her new relationship

I did no such thing. I simply decided to move on and made no secret of it. At no point did I contact him, send him a video or message of any sort. I simply continued living my life without allowing him to drag me down, and while doing so fell in love with someone. I see no reason to hide that just to spare his sensitive ego.


7. The greatest man that ever lived

Alex doesn't seem to understand a lot of things. Firstly, I never claimed that each man I was ever with was the greatest man that ever lived. On the contrary, I can count on the fingers of one hand (actually less) the great loves of my life, and anyone who knows me well enough know who they are. Did I love Alex? Well, I loved the person I thought Alex was. Unfortunately he turned out not to be what he seemed, partly due to my own projection of what I wanted him to be, partly due to his own deliberate deception. You see, there is a reason why I was never allowed to visit him in his own home, but instead we stayed either at my friend's house, his mother's house or even a hotel. Alex doesn't like talking about his past for a good reason, because it affects his present to this day. Mainly his place of residence, but also his employment situation, all things he never wanted to talk to me about, but that in retrospect I found out anyway. I am not going to disclose any of those things, since I am not going to stoop as low as he did, but had he been honest with me about all those things, I never would have entered into a relationship with him to begin with. So yes, I did love whom I thought him to be, but I can't possibly love who he actually is. I do however know my current partner very well. I have known him for years, we've been very close friends for a very long time. We just weren't ready for each other until recently. Is he the best man that ever lived? Probably not, because we all have our flaws. But he is a damn good man, and I can say that I can love him for who he is, because I know him for who he is. Something I can't say about Alex.


8. You know that time Felida had her say?

Actually no, I don't, because I haven't had my say until now. But here it is, my say. And I think it's only fair I get it as well, exposing this psychotic liar for who and what he is. He also keeps lying when he claims he won't be engaging any further. For months I have remained silent, hoping he would eventually just get over the fact that I am not dying from a broken heart and move on like I did, but he keeps it up and with every day of my silence becomes more and more vile, not only towards myself and my family, but also against friends of mine. Possibly in the attempt to get me to speak out, so here, I am handing you another victory, Alex. I am not ignoring you anymore. Is this what you wanted? Me telling people how abusive you actually are? You got it.


9. She sent a mutual friend to ask how I am

Not only did I send that mutual friend to inquire about his well being, I also sent that mutual friend his way to help him with his issues to begin with right after the breakup, told him what state I thought Alex was in, and to please be there for him, which he did. When I inquired about his well being, it was out of genuine concern. Only a person as psychotic as Alex could interpret something negative into this and take it as a reason to spread vile lies about someone. But I guess his mental illness is yet again a nice excuse for this sort of reaction.


10. Replaced

While I thought my friend's comment was absolutely hilarious, it was not initiated by myself, so I don't get why dear Alex gets all worked up over it and next has to ensure me that he can buy cock on the streets of London, or why I would have a problem with that. By all means, go get laid, Alex. Do it as often as you can. It might stop you from this unhealthy obsession you have over me, the person you didn't want to be with anymore, and who moved on, as you should have, months ago.


11. Domme and Safe Word

Again, I wasn't his Domme. We never had a safe word, never needed to, because this was not a Domme/sub relationship, although it's of course a lot easier for him now to claim that it was, simply to fit into the victim role much better. If anyone was abusive during our six months together, it was dearest Alex. And he continues to be, which I will show in the next chapters.


Alex's behaviour since he put out his video series:


1. Unlike Alex, I will not blame his friends' behaviour on him, although I have to mention that he openly condones it, often encourages it. Alex's friend Gunderson has written a lovely butthurt poem about me, yet didn't like the response it received after it was pointed out to me, Alex's friend OldeVampyr has accused me of being behind arguments she has with friends of mine, Alex's newfound friends (the very same who formerly harassed him simply for being with me) now spout their vile crap about me on his YouTube channel and videos, encouraging him in his own vile behaviour which I will indulge in below, and are encouraged by him to continue, despite what he said in his video. The entire time I haven't responded to a single one of them, except Gunderson, because I simply couldn't resist that one. One of his friends, and I still do not know which one, forwarded some very personal information about something horrible that happened to my daughter while she was not in my care, to him, which is the reason I disassociated myself from almost every mutual friend, since I simply can't trust any of them until I find out who forwarded that information, which was then used by Alex in the most vile of ways.

2. Alex himself has, as already hinted above, written a poem about my daughter, in which he not only calls her a slut (she's only 12 years old), but also mentions her by her actual name. Basically, he did a case of victim blaming. To a child. To have a go at me. This all happened in the comment section of one of OldeVampyr's videos. And while OldeVampyr claims she removed it as soon as she saw it, I have to call her out on a lie, since she commented several times herself after said poem was already in her comment section. I doubt she didn't see it, she just chose to ignore it, until she heard that it was going to be flagged.

3. After his poem comment was removed, he made a video in which he again mocked my daughter for what had happened and laughed about the fact that he had written a poem about the incident, dropping her real name. He also claimed I neglected my daughter, leaving her alone at home for three days while I had a turn in the sheets with my boyfriend, and that the incident happened then, which is a blatant lie. Various people however believed him and posted all sorts of abuse about me. I never left my daughter alone at home for several days. The days he is referring to, my daughter was spending her summer break with her father, and the incident happened long before that, during the time I prepared my place for her return, meaning, while not in my care. Either way though, the care she was in was not neglecting either. A teenager can be expected to be alone at home for a few hours after school while the caretaker is at work. It happened during that time, and nobody is to blame but the person who committed the crime.

4. Alex continues attacking people for no reason at all. One prime example is another YouTuber who made a video that had nothing to do with Alex. Alex however thought the video was about him (because he is an egocentric maniac). The person did not much wrong either, he simply stated that he would not stay subscribed to personal drama and unsubscribe from anyone who would drag relationship issues out on YouTube. In return Alex wished death upon that person, hoping to witness his death within this year, along with a tirade of name calling.

5. Another example of Alex assuming I am behind everyone who has a fight with him is his hatred towards Mimica. Mimica and I had no contact whatsoever for months, yet Alex continues claiming that Mimica is fighting him on my orders, when actually Alex continues attacking Mimica repeatedly. He went as far as digging out an old video that Mimica made in anger ages ago, and that he deleted and publicly apologized for a long time ago, just to make him look bad.

6. Alex also has beef with GluteusIlluminatus, and again, is calling him my minion, as if Glute doesn't have a mind of his own. Yes, Glute and I are friends, but I don't need to order him around. I doubt he'd take orders, to be honest. However, when Alex himself talks shit about Glute all the time (mainly the lies he was fed by Ashley), he doesn't need to be surprised when Glute is a bit irritated.

7. Last target in Alex's path is Andr0idThePoet, who simply had objections to the way Alex handles the fight with Mimica. In return Alex accused him of harassment and mental illness bashing. How rich, coming from him, considering what he is doing to me.

8. And while Alex falsely accuses Mimica and GluteusIlluminatus with distributing child pornography, which in itself is illegal, he threatens to drop their docs, which is a combination that is potentially dangerous for those two. If his claim had any merit, he'd report them to the police, rather than hoping some angry mob will latch on to the accusations he so freely throws around along with what he believes to be their docs. At least with me he posts death threats directly.
Fortunately all of his behaviour is documented. It's sad that it had to come to this, but that man needs help. And I don't mean help from online friends, but help from medical professionals. A sane person wouldn't do these things. I won't carry a grudge, but I will protect myself and my own from further attacks.


  1. Well unfortunatly for you and XXXild and Alex both you'll never guess who was live on BlogTV with us last week :)

    And you'll never guess who showed up on video.

    And you'll never guess how many people XXXild pissed of by harassing them over Della actually put her in her place and told her and the rest of you to get a life.

    I guess that's one bandwagon you jumped on way to quickly. But oh well.

    Seriously stop posting this shit, move on. Dump Alex and ignore him. I got what I needed from XXXild and her troop, don't add to it yourself.

    I don't have to clear my name with idiots on the internet, all I have to do is show what self absorbed idiots the rest of you are

  2. Funny, I just now saw the comment by Ashe. Also funny, because I don't give a damn if a person claiming to be Della showed up on video. The evidence from Skype IPs and other sources is enough. Probably one of your actresses who now played her part.

    As for what I post, Ashe, it's my business, not yours. I don't need to "dump" Alex, because I'm not with Alex, nor have I been for ages. It's time you stop your butthurt and follow my blog, which in no way has jack shit to do with you, since you are utterly irrelevant. Now move along. There's nothing here for you.