Monday, May 27, 2013

Today I will be a petty cunt!

Petty, you say? Damn straight. Screw acting morally correct today, because what I post here, won't have any effect on either of the folks I am talking about anyway, so I may as well let out how I really feel, and there is a fat chance that neither of them will ever even read this blog. And if they do, well, at least I was completely honest with both of them.

Who are we talking about? And why are we talking about them?

Thunderf00t and coughlan616, boys and girls. And we are talking about them, because we still have a bone to pick. It's a petty bone, but it's still waiting for a picking, and here's the chance to do just that, so why the fuck not?

So here's what's going on: For what feels like ages now, Thunderf00t and coughlan616 haven't been able to see eye to eye. Well no, that's too mildly worded. They piss on each other's legs. The question is, where do I stand in all this, and why do I care?

To be fair, the majority of the points coughlan616 makes about Thunderf00t are pretty damn straight on. Not really anything I can argue with. Thunderf00t has a history of throwing all muslims into the same pot, claiming they all support terrorism, even if they aren't terrorists themselves, and rather than simply supporting a secular society, he would love to forcefully eradicate religion as a whole. He picks his fights unfairly by going after weak targets, while ignoring valid criticism from more intelligent folks, often gets things wrong, but refuses to accept correction, and worst of all, loves to claim that any criticism, mocking, parody and impersonation aimed at him is either performed or directed by coughlan616, which demonstrably isn't so. Rather than refuting arguments, Thunderf00t resorted to giving coughlan an armchair diagnosis he plagiarized from a known YouTube troll who also had beef with coughlan616, and he isn't above accepting support from white supremacists in his crusade against coughlan or any other enemies, especially those of brownish skin.

As you can tell, I'm very much inclined to support coughlan's arguments. So why then is it, that I won't support the person?

And that's where the word petty comes in. Call it revenge (although I am not actively getting any) or just a sick sense of satisfaction that I can finally throw his own words back at him.

You see, quite some time back there was some drama. Well no, there still is some drama. Perpetuated by a group of failtrolls, that continue making videos about me. These folks actively approach anyone who feels I caused them some form of butthurt, give them a victim stamp and then unite in chanting about how evil I am. False accusations were made, my channel was flagged into oblivion, I was severely harrassed by these folks. They still try even now. However, after initially responding to the accusations, defending myself and informing folks whenever I was flagged, I simply stopped responding to them. Yet they continued making videos, and some of them for some reason seemed to be quite popular with coughlan at the time.

More than three months after I had stopped responding, coughlan suddenly made a video, which he also tweeted out, telling not only these trolls, but also me to shut up, and that nobody was interested in our drama. He continued by informing everyone that he liked that one troll, so he wouldn't block him, but would block everyone else involved, and I suddenly found myself on his blocked list. Trying to inform him that I hadn't even participated for over three months only resulted in insults from him and a bunch of his fans, so I figured, fuck it, he won't miss me, I won't miss him.

Now I do know that Thunderf00t has made 4 or more videos about coughlan by now. And I do know that for quite some time coughlan was not even bothering to respond. He slipped a bit today, when he addressed some of the ridiculous accusations Thunderf00t made against him, and to be honest, I can't blame him. When a large channel accuses you of some wrong doings, what you do want to do is defend yourself, don't you? Well, that is how I felt back then as well. But ended up not bothering anymore. Just to be told that nobody is interested in my drama and to shut the fuck up, when I hadn't said a peep about it for three months. So I just wanted to relish this moment, where I could say the following sentence:

@coughlan616 @Thunderf00t STFU, nobody is interested in your fucking drama.

There, I'm all done. Justice is served. ;-)

Monday, January 7, 2013

Breaking the Silence

When dealing with people who are mentally ill, I usually cut them a lot of slack, because I know myself how hard it is to deal with mental illness, and that sometimes you can't help it and act somewhat irrationally. But when a person is using their mental illness as an excuse to constantly harm others, and continues to do so despite being ignored in the hopes they would eventually stop, it's time to speak out and put the record straight. I'm sorry it had to come to this, and if you are not interested in personal drama, I advise you to simply not read on from here.

Yes, this post is about Alex, formerly known as Al1981X, now operating under the name AllBabies AreRapists.

First I would like to address the series of seven videos that man has made about me, after our relationship ended, and I may add that he did that completely unprovoked. I did not contact him anymore, I did not talk about him publicly, I simply moved on, and I think that was his main problem, as can be heard in his videos, which were originally uploaded to his old channel and then mirrored by none other than dearest xxxild, on a channel she specifically created for that purpose. But this blog is not about her, so let's continue. I suggest you watch it all here in order to understand the points I am addressing below.

Claims made in Following Felida Chapter One 'Christmas 2011':


1. He was flattered by the attention I gave him.

Actually, I gave him no more or less attention than I gave to anyone else in the group. I actually had my eyes set on someone else at the time, but knew I'd have no chance with that person for various reasons. In that group we all had quite a lot of talk with sexual innuendo, and after one of such group talks, it was Alex who approached me in private, suggesting he wanted to get to know me better, which led to our first time cybersexing.


2. He claims that I was his Domme and he was my sub.

Nothing could be further from the truth, and this is a blatant lie. While I am a Domme for the most part, I made it perfectly clear that I valued him as a partner, not a submissive, and there were multiple occasions where we reversed roles in our sexual play. In our everyday lives, he took on a much more dominant role than I did, mainly because I was a push over at the time, but I will get into that later.


3. His OCD

While I did watch the film dirty, filthy love as he suggested and desperately tried to understand him, he continuously used his OCD as an excuse to be vile towards me without the need to apologize for his behaviour. Anyone who watches that film will also see the abuse the environment of the person with OCD is suffering from, as well as the immense burden someone without OCD is carrying, when trying to learn about it. He also claims he was under the impression I was stable at the time. Either he paid no attention to anything I said then, or he simply chose to ignore it, because he should have been well aware that I was anything but fine at the time, however, he constantly put his own mental issues before mine, expected me to be accomodating to his regular outbursts, yet denied me any understanding in regards to my own condition.


4. Elephants

Yes, we did establish quickly, that I have a concentration problem. The way it manifests is that I can only concentrate on one thing at a time and everything else is just a blur. This means, for example, that when I am typing or reading something, I can not simultaneously listen to someone. It can happen, that in the middle of a conversation something else catches my attention (such as an instant message coming in while I am in a skype call, at which point anything said in such a call might be drowned out while I am reading the message). I used to often try to follow both, but quickly learned that this is not possible. What he however describes wrongly is my reaction to his "monkey blood-whiskey" story. At no point did I refuse to believe that he had just told me such a story, on the contrary, I have a history of my children abusing this problem of mine to get permission for things they normally wouldn't get when I can actually hear what they are saying, for example asking me for permission to sleep over at a friend's house during a school night while I am typing something (I used to work from home occasionally, because it made it easier for me to concentrate there rather than sitting at a busy office with people constantly talking), and I quickly established with my children that asking me permission for anything while I am clicking away on the keyboard or looking at my screen was not a valid permission. My actual reaction was laughter, because he got away with telling me such a story and getting no reaction other than "hmmm, sure, yeah" out of me, which was such obvious proof that he didn't have any of my attention at all, and myself being quite shocked at how long my mind had wandered off to something else. At no point did I state that I didn't believe him, and I find it quite malicious that he is so blatantly abusing one of my mental issues to twist it into a story to make me feel bad. We had agreed that he would make up stories like that now and then when he felt my mind had wondered off, just to be sure that when he said something important, I wouldn't just nod it off without actually hearing it, and we both thought it was a funny way of tackling the problem. It's quite sad to now see him abuse this for ammo against me.


5. He claims I said I always have to be in a relationship

This is absolutely not correct. What I did state is that I am not good at being alone. And that was as a response to him asking me to give him time to decide whether he still wanted to be with me or not. I am not good at being alone means I will eventually consider myself single, go out and have sex and be open to the possibility that I may end up in another relationship with someone. This does in no way mean I am craving a relationship or that I need one. I was fine being single for well over a year and had my fun. That does not mean I was alone.


6. Why I did not postpone my visit

He claims I had plenty of things to do and put visiting him above taking care of my issues in order to get my children back. Nothing could be further from the truth, so here is why I did not postpone: My biggest problem with my household was the junk that had accumulated due to me being a compulsive hoarder (commonly referred to as Messie in German, and I falsely assumed that this word was commonly used in the English language as well, which is why I didn't explain it to Alex in more detail earlier. Something he knew about before making his videos though, and failed to mention). Due to various circumstances I was not able to remove all the junk without help, so I did what cleaning I could do before my trip, but anything beyond that I had to wait for an appointment with a company that specialises in clearing out the places of compulsive hoarders. That appointment was not until April, so I was stuck sitting on my thumbs in a place I hated, without my children, and completely unable to progress any further until the appointment. When talking the situation over with my psychiatrist, she suggested I take a break from what she referred to as my self-made prison, either by going on vacation or if needed even checking into a clinic, just to get out of there for a while. When I told her I had already booked tickets to England, she encouraged me to go, especially since my good friend Rachael had offered me to stay in her beautiful little house in a very nice and remote area in Norfolk, just the kind of setting I would need to calm down and find a bit of peace. Alex knew that, because I told him about it when he suggested I can postpone my visit, so he is definitely twisting the truth in that part of the video.


7. A reason why he couldn't fly to me

It is not surprising why he dismisses that point so quickly without actually giving a reason, because he never had any true reason. On various occasions he claimed he didn't have the money, although as he said himself in his video, the flight would have been rather cheap, and considering he was able to afford a bottle of whisky almost daily, he would have had the money within less than a week, if he had lowered his booze consumption just slightly, a point which we argued about on a regular basis. At one point he even told me point blank that I should not make him choose between myself and alcohol, as he would pick the alcohol over me. That should have caused my alarm bells going off, and it did, but I chose to ignore it, because at that time I was at my lowest mentally. I had just had my children removed from my household, lived in a dump I hated, and the only person I thought I could depend on at the time told me alcohol was more important to him than me. And while he became verbally abusive whenever he drank, I chose to put up with it, because I felt at the time like losing yet another person I loved would kill me. Every time I brought up the issue of him possibly visiting me, even if it was just telling him when flights would be cheap, he would flip out on me and tell me that I am putting pressure on him. The truth is more likely that he simply didn't want to come visit, because it was much more convenient to not have to put any effort whatsoever into this relationship, knowing I would instead.


Claims made in Following Felida Chapter Two 'Little Snoring':


1. He initiated the first physical intimacy

 What he neglects to mention is why I found him oddly shy and reserved to begin with. After having shared plenty of intimacy via webcam during skype calls, I was extremely happy to see the man I felt so close to already, but when he got off the coach at Stansted, he was even reluctant to give me a hug. He told me later that he was going to greet me with a handshake instead, which I didn't expect after all the adorable texting back and forth. I didn't become aware of his reluctance until I threw my arms around him and kissed him, at which point I noticed him stiffen up. I wasn't sure at the time what to make of it, so I backed off, thinking that perhaps my physical appearance bothered him. This has something to do with my self-perception. I know I am overweight, and while I am aware that my outward appearance should not matter to someone who loves me for who I am, I have very low self esteem when it comes to my body and need constant reassurance from my partner. Yes, this is one of my mental issues, and it makes me quite clingy. I need my partner to show that he doesn't mind my body, and that includes showing who he is with in public. Alex shied away so quickly, that it was an instant and completely shattering blow to my self esteem, so I removed myself from possible rejection by simply backing off and crawling back into my shell, and I stayed there until he later on initiated our first physical intimacy in the most unromantic way possible: By suggesting I give him that blowjob I had promised. This, in my mind, confirmed further, that he wanted nothing to do with my body, so I was even more reluctant to show myself to him without clothes on. His further behaviour seemed to confirm this more and more, and throughout our relationship he was quite reluctant when it came to touching me, even when we became more comfortable around each other.


2. Felida wanted to talk about an ex who had died by his own hand a day earlier

Firstly, that person was not an ex, he was merely someone who abused my vulnerability in a bad situation to take advantage of me sexually. Secondly, he did not kill himself, he died of organ failure. Thirdly, I didn't want to talk about him, we were just talking and somehow the issue of that person came up, if I remember correctly, it was even Alex who brought him up while we talked about the recent deaths of various YouTubers, since there had been a few over the past months.


3. Felida seemed pleased the man was dead

This is a blatant lie. I did say that I did not care about his death either way, which I think is only fair, considering the hell that person put me through. It is also a lie that Alex didn't know about what that person had done to me. I didn't laugh, I didn't smirk, I simply refused to fake some kind of remorse over someone's death.


4. Felida wanted to have sex again, I didn't.

Considering the first sex he was referring to was simply me giving him a blowjob and not getting anything out of it myself, yes, I wanted sex. He didn't seem as opposed as he now makes it out to be. If he didn't want sex, he never said so, and he willingly participated, although the sex itself was disappointing and continued to be so throughout our relationship. I did however not want to hurt his feelings, so I continued faking orgasms, since he continued asking me whether he was good, paired with some completely unneeded penis size worries. In retrospect I have to say faking orgasms was probably a bad idea, especially because I was being dishonest with someone I cared about, but I did it to not hurt his self esteem the way he hurt mine.


5. By Felida's own admission she treated me like a possession and belittled me a bit

That is a complete and blatant lie, and I have no clue where the hell he pulled that one from. We were playfully bantering the entire evening we spent with our friends, all of us, including him. To now turn this into me belittling him and treating him like a possession is completely ridiculous, even more so when claiming that I admitted to doing so.


Claims made in Following Felida Chapter Three 'Truth & Lies'


1. Domme/sub

Once again he claims I was his Domme, which is not true. Also, he appears to blame me for his feelings being hurt over being stronger than him physically. I'm awfully sorry, but I already faked orgasms to not hurt his fragile ego. There is only so much I can fake to appease a man's fragile ego.


2. Felida and the Silence

Alex admits in his own video that I did not rile him up against people, yet he felt he had to develope a hatred against certain individuals, as if I have some mental power over him, which in itself sounds quite crazy. What Alex neglects to mention is the fact that on the sheer basis of being with me, Alex was attacked by those individuals himself. They engaged with him, not the other way around. I know he will not admit this anymore, now that he has befriended those people, as they do with everyone who suddenly opposes me for whatever reason, but the evidence of those contacts is still safely stored on my PC, from downloaded videos over comments screenshots. The mentioned vitriol our conversations were made out of was often initiated by him. I repeatedly told him to just ignore their attacks, whether against me or himself, and that eventually they would go away. Something I had a hard time learning in the past. These people function in a very simplistic way: They throw bile your way and hope for a response, just to quotemine you. The more upset you are, the more ammunition you give them. Alex however insisted that I report to him every time one of them contacted me. He also insisted I supply him with everything I knew about them, from personal details over who they are friends with to things they said and how they acted. I often told him I simply didn't want to bother with it anymore, at which point he would get upset with me, so to appease him I gave him what he wanted, and in return he dropped docs, threatened them with revealing personal things and waged a complete war on them, which they then blamed me for and he now does as well. He is not only being dishonest now, but is also neglecting to tell the story about how he pressured me to continue getting involved by supplying him with information. At that time I simply wasn't strong enough to oppose him, and as a consequence I am now being blamed for his behaviour while he claims to be the innocent victim.

Claims made in Following Felida Chapter Four 'The Hardest Word to Say':


1. Felida told me she loves me while belittling me

Let's make one thing perfectly clear: When I love someone, I tell them so. Sometimes too often, agreed, but it simply slips out. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and when I am in a situation that reminds me why I love someone, it pops out of my mouth. That however does in no way mean that I do not criticise the person I love, when he/she acts out of line. Alex however can not handle criticism well. There were plenty of occasions where I tried to explain to him why his actions were not welcome, try to make him see where he behaved in a very hurtful manner, and I assume he considers those situations belittling him, when actually it is pointing out how he is being extremely hurtful towards others. A prime example is the fight we continued referring to as 'The Omelette'. To this day he believes that he did absolutely nothing wrong, and that I am the one to blame for it all, that I overreacted, that I have no reason to complain. So what is this Omelette? It occurred during a time when I was still in the process of regularly getting my house inspected to check on the progress made, in order to get my children back. It was the weekend, and I had an inspection following on Monday, so I wanted to do as much as I could over that weekend, but I also wanted to spend some time with Alex. We were both online in the morning, and as every day, were talking in our regular skype group, but he said he had a few things to do and would be back later. Considering I had plenty of cleaning to do myself, I asked him when he would be back, so we would be able to spend some time together in between our other activities. His response was to tell me that he didn't know, but that I could edit a video for him in the meantime (at the time I was editing most of his videos for him, since he didn't know how to). I told him I had other things to do that were more important, and that I just wanted a rough estimate on when he'd be back, so I could make time for him then. I never got a proper response, which annoyed me quite a bit, but I left it at that, went to cleaning and simply hoped that by checking into the skype call now and then I'd notice when he's back. Later in the day, I got lucky and he was back in the call, so I took a break from cleaning to spend some time with him. However, he told me that he had to go do something else again and that he'd be back later. Once again I asked him for a rough estimate, because I didn't feel like periodically checking the skype call yet again. And once again he suggested I can use the time he is gone to edit his video for him. At that point I did get quite snide with him, yes, but I am sure you can understand why. He knew about my situation, knew about the inspection coming up, knew I had things to do, yet rather than simply giving me a rough estimate of when he'd be back for us to have some quality time, he suggested I do something for him again. So I responded with "I don't need occupational therapy, I have plenty of things I can fill my time with while you are gone. I asked you for a time when you'd be back, not something to occupy myself with while you're gone. Basically, I am telling you I am thirsty, and you are offering me a fucking omelette." You should also be aware that I asked him for a time for a reason. There had been many situations previous to that, where he told me he'd be back to spend time with me later in the day, but then never showed up, making me feel like the stupid idiot waiting in the corner for Prince Charming to return and then being stood up. His reaction to that was to not speak to me for two straight days. And afterwards he kept insisting that I flipped out on him for no reason at all. He kept bringing this "fight" up every time we had an argument, claiming I was the one that acted out of line and that he had done nothing wrong at all, when he just took for granted that I'd always be there to edit his videos, be at his disposal and just wait until he has the good grace to show up and give me a few minutes of his precious time, as if I had no life other than him. Just to make peace, I later on suggested we simply misunderstood each other and to just drop it, and he later on held that against me as well, insisting I should have apologized for it, and that he was the nice one for dropping it when I did him so wrong. We had many more situations similar to that, where he simply refused to acknowledge my needs, was all selfish about things, then flipped out on me. Video editing is a good example. Rather than continuing to edit his videos for him, I suggested I teach him how to. Instead of accepting my offer, he flipped out on me, telling me he hated even the simplest video editing program, because he didn't understand it, and I was just making it worse by making him feel stupid by trying to explain it to him. He had no qualms however, sending me unedited video footage after footage and expecting me to edit it all for him, without so much as giving me even the slightest bit of credit for hours worth of work. I was simply being taken for granted, and I didn't like it at all. And every time I voiced that, I was made out to be the aggressor.


2. Felida threatened to close her channels down

As a matter of fact, me stating I would close my channels down had nothing to do with that "break", which were the two days he wouldn't speak to me, as seen in above chapter. I simply didn't want to be on YouTube anymore with all the shit that was going on in my real life and the trolls being worse than ever, mostly thanks to Alex feeding them. However, every time I so much as suggested I wanted to leave YouTube, Alex would throw a fit at me, so I decided to leave them open for the sake of him not flipping out on me. Alex himself threatened to close his channels down on multiple occasions, usually when I refused to give him the information about the trolls he asked me for, or when we had any kind of argument. Funnily enough, after he broke up, he also threatened to shut down his channels if anyone finds out about the breakup. I told him I really didn't care anymore if he did or not. His usual way of pressuring me into compliance didn't work anymore then, and I had stopped caring after the way he had treated me during that break up, which I will talk more about later.


3. I don't know if she remembers saying this, or if she notices she's flipped out on people

This is a wonderful attempt of his, trying to turn my concentration issues into a cover up for his lies. While I may not remember what people have said to me at times, I do very well remember what I say. And I never told him I would kill myself if he broke up. I am assuming that he has picked that wonderful bit of slander up from FreethinkerOnIce, who at another point claimed I threatened him with suicide, but failed to mention that I told him that not because I was threatened with being left, but because he kept contacting me, repeatedly calling both my hardline and cellphone and sending me messages on skype over and over again, the log of which I still have, and have also shown to people before to confirm that this indeed what had happened. In regards to my "flipping out", let's just say that Alex considered anything and everything flipping out, especially when he was drunk. I had one situation where I agreed to talk to him while cleaning, but would have to put him on speakers and talk to him from across the room. Since I had no clue how well my headset would pick up sound from that far away (as the microphone is normally an inch away from my mouth), I raised my voice a bit, so that he could still hear me, and he immediately claimed I was shouting at him and flipping out, and would not accept the perfectly reasonable explanation for why I raised my voice at all. At the same time he felt he was justified in shouting at me all the time, and not just shouting but also hanging up skype calls mid sentence, whenever he didn't like what I had to say, yet the one time I hung up on him because he hurled abuse at me, I was yet again the guilty party in his book.


4. I didn't remember this for a long time

Perhaps the reason he couldn't remember any suicide threat is because there simply was none, and he made it up in his sick mind in retrospect. Considering he is often delusional, I wouldn't be surprised. However, I will not allow that man to use his own delusions as "facts" against me.


Claims made in Following Felida Chapter Five 'Stairwell'


1. Description of a 'Stairwell'

Let me ask you this: I have told you about the 'Omelette' above, and how Alex refused to talk to me for two days following that particular fight. Now what needs to be pointed out is that he did not specifically state he needed time off, he simply went offline and didn't give any indication when he'd be back or that he simply needed time away. And also funnily enough, he would interact with other people, but not with me around those times, until such a time where I would indicate that I am willing to take at least some of the blame for the situation. I'd say it's not a completely faulty assumption that this sort of behaviour indicates a form of punishment by ignoring. Something you would do to a toddler who is throwing a tantrum. You see, the way he described his 'Stairwell' to me was quite different, and he didn't explain it to me until after I'd already crawled back to him, playing the sorry party that committed all the sins of the world. He explained to me, that in stressful situations, he'd panic and run away, as an example using a situation on a job, where something became so stressful that he ran out into a stairwell that had no exit other than going right back out through the office, and he'd sit in that stairwell for hours. While I can understand and relate to such panic attacks, What he described in the video was not at all like this. He now claims a stairwell is calmly asking for a break, which is complete and utter bullshit. Also, if a stairwell actually were like the situation he described to me, he'd be too panicky to act normal around others, as if nothing were wrong. Yet he only ignored me during those times, which leads me to believe I am not the one projecting anything, but that I am spot on, and he is using his mental illness as a cover up to yet again shift blame on me.


2. Comparing a Stairwell to a Safe Word

As described above, he drew a completely wrong comparison. While I am not nor ever was his Domme, I am a Domme, and I understand safe words perfectly well. The thing about safe words however is, that the submissive has to actually use them. While it is true that a proper Domme will also notice when a submissive is in distress, may be in subspace and hence incapable of using the safe word, what Alex did in regards to his 'Stairwell' with me in no way indicates that it was a similar situation as in the actual stairwell he described to me in private and later in the video. Had he actually been in distress, he wouldn't have flaunted his "I am fine" attitude both on YouTube and in the group chat in his "in your face" manner.


Claims made in Following Felida Chapter Six 'Della Winters':


1. Felida believes Ruby was naive

Did I have a right to assume that Ruby was overly naive in claiming she loved a person she had never laid eyes upon nor spoken to in at least a voice chat? I think I do. I am quite naive myself when it comes to trusting people, as my relationship with Alex proves, but even I would not have gone as far as assuming that someone who refuses to speak to me in voice chat or show him/herself on camera is actually in a loving and caring relationship with me. And while I do think Ruby did have her feelings hurt and that in actuality Ashe's actions were illegal (as Alex admits I supplied him with proof for), I do think I have every right to call someone naive when they are being naive.


2. Recording Ashe

Alex did inform me of his plans to record Ashe, and I informed him that after some research I found out that while recording him would be legal, distributing that recording would not be, according to UK law. Other than that I still don't get why he makes a whole chapter about Della with my name pinned to it. I neither advised him for or against recording Ashe, I simply dug up the according paragraphs in regards to the legality for him.


Claims made in Following Felida Chapter Seven 'The Next Jesus & the New Satan':


1. Felida and I were not communicating and she didn't care about my feelings at all

It is absolutely true that we were not communicating. I myself complained about that multiple times. Every attempt of mine to communicate, especially when it came to me trying to understand his mental condition better, was met with "I don't want to talk about this right now." Occasionally he'd respond with "I can't talk about this when I'm sober", yet when drunk he'd get easily aggravated over nothing, ending up in hurling abuse at me again. The claim that I didn't care about him at all is highly ridiculous. I put my own hurt feelings on the backburner so many times, just as to not upset him. Every time he yelled at me for no reason, every time he took out his aggression on me because something didn't work, every time he didn't know how to handle certain programs on his computer and then flipped out on me when I tried to explain it to him, either because I was "speaking in a language he didn't understand" when I assumed a certain basic knowledge, or when I was "patronizing him" when I tried to explain things in a more simplistic way. Trying to explain anything to Alex is walking on eggshells. If you don't give enough detail, he claims you are deliberately trying to make yourself look smarter than him, if you give too much detail, you're being patronizing. If you refuse to explain anything for fear of not managing the eggshell walk that day, you're flipping out for no reason, if you refuse to do his work for him because he refuses to learn himself, you are flipping out as well. In a perfect world according to Alex he is the only one allowed to yell abuse and demand you don't take it personally, he is the only one allowed to hang up on you when he feels you're not communicating properly, he is the only one that is allowed to take a break, because when you need one, you're throwing a fit, but he never is. I walked on eggshells throughout the entire relationship. In order to not hurt his feelings I faked orgasms, blamed my own body for him not wanting to touch me, took the blame for all his inadequacies, because of course it was all my fault for not explaining things right, when he didn't understand something, and it was also my fault for wanting to teach him how to do his own things rather than me simply doing them for him, because doing things for him was something I was expected to do at all times.


2. The yelling, the belittling, the symptoms of mental illness

Let's get this straight, the person doing the most yelling was him. But of course it was something I was supposed to tolerate, because it's part of his mental illness. The belittling, again, his interpretation of me trying to explain things to him, but using too much detail, because he had previously yelled at me for not being detailed enough. I never picked on him for symptoms of his mental illness, that is his own game. That is what he did throughout our relationship as well as his video series. Every time he caught me in a moment of attention lapse, he laughed about it endlessly and felt it was so funny to tell the story to others, especially that with the monkey blood-whiskey. The fact that I might find that embarrassing never occurred to him. He found it perfectly acceptable to joke at the expense of my mental illness, abuse my insecurity about myself and my love for him. If anyone is projecting now, it's him.


3. He wasn't doing well and I knew about it

First of all, he blatantly lies when he claims I knew about his symptoms (hairloss, diarrhoea, etc.) Cry me a fucking river at this point though. He clearly acknowledged my physical problems in the beginning of his video series. He knew I was never completely doing well. He had hairloss? Well, he never told me about it. However, I didn't see any hairloss when he showed himself to me on camera shortly before the break up. On the contrary, he had his hair, only he had dyed it red at the time and told me he was debating getting it cut short again. No mention of hairloss, no mention of illness. Sorry for not being a psychic. I guess I should have known that as well. And no, I never used me not being well to get him to talk to me again. Each time I clearly stated that we needed to communicate rather than him just not talking to me. There were plenty of times he refused to talk to me and acted like I did something wrong without even telling me what I supposedly had done. Way to go, Mr. Communicator.


4. Felida ignored discretion

In order to cover that, I think I'll first have to state how this breakup went about. It started with that argument about me supposedly yelling at him, when all I did was raise my voice when speaking to him from across the room. This happened on a Friday evening. As usual, he hung up on me, dismissing my explanation, and vanished, removing me from Skype. I had too much at stake to worry about his sensitive feelings, since that Friday my daughter had finally been allowed to move back in with me, which meant less time for him anyway, and a follow up inspection of my apartment on Monday. I did not hear from him again until Monday morning, when I received an email from him, in which he broke up with me, blaming me for everything but the Kennedy assassination. With an hour to go until my appointment, I wasn't in the best of state after receiving such an email (and what a cowardly way to break up anyway). So I poured my heart out to a close friend, one I know I can trust, and he managed to build me up again a bit, so that I was able to get on with that appointment reasonably well and get the final decision that it is fine for my daughter to be back home with me. Alex then threw a hissy fit at me, when he asked me if I had told anyone about the break up, and I answered him truthfully. This is the "indiscretion" he is referring to. Talking to a friend. I told him he had no say in who I talk to, especially now that we are broken up, and that was the last time we ever talked. I never once made a single video or public remark about the way he treated me until after he had released his video series, and even then I kept commenting to a minimum and soon after that decided to ignore him and his shenanigans completely, although he kept trying to provoke me.


5. I was told to go and kill myself

This is indeed true. I did tell a mutual contact to tell him to go kill himself after he had broken up with me in such a cowardly way. What he neglects to mention is that within 5 minutes I also apologized for that harsh statement and explained that it was made out of anger and hurt feelings, and that I did not actually mean it.


6. Felida ensured I knew about her new relationship

I did no such thing. I simply decided to move on and made no secret of it. At no point did I contact him, send him a video or message of any sort. I simply continued living my life without allowing him to drag me down, and while doing so fell in love with someone. I see no reason to hide that just to spare his sensitive ego.


7. The greatest man that ever lived

Alex doesn't seem to understand a lot of things. Firstly, I never claimed that each man I was ever with was the greatest man that ever lived. On the contrary, I can count on the fingers of one hand (actually less) the great loves of my life, and anyone who knows me well enough know who they are. Did I love Alex? Well, I loved the person I thought Alex was. Unfortunately he turned out not to be what he seemed, partly due to my own projection of what I wanted him to be, partly due to his own deliberate deception. You see, there is a reason why I was never allowed to visit him in his own home, but instead we stayed either at my friend's house, his mother's house or even a hotel. Alex doesn't like talking about his past for a good reason, because it affects his present to this day. Mainly his place of residence, but also his employment situation, all things he never wanted to talk to me about, but that in retrospect I found out anyway. I am not going to disclose any of those things, since I am not going to stoop as low as he did, but had he been honest with me about all those things, I never would have entered into a relationship with him to begin with. So yes, I did love whom I thought him to be, but I can't possibly love who he actually is. I do however know my current partner very well. I have known him for years, we've been very close friends for a very long time. We just weren't ready for each other until recently. Is he the best man that ever lived? Probably not, because we all have our flaws. But he is a damn good man, and I can say that I can love him for who he is, because I know him for who he is. Something I can't say about Alex.


8. You know that time Felida had her say?

Actually no, I don't, because I haven't had my say until now. But here it is, my say. And I think it's only fair I get it as well, exposing this psychotic liar for who and what he is. He also keeps lying when he claims he won't be engaging any further. For months I have remained silent, hoping he would eventually just get over the fact that I am not dying from a broken heart and move on like I did, but he keeps it up and with every day of my silence becomes more and more vile, not only towards myself and my family, but also against friends of mine. Possibly in the attempt to get me to speak out, so here, I am handing you another victory, Alex. I am not ignoring you anymore. Is this what you wanted? Me telling people how abusive you actually are? You got it.


9. She sent a mutual friend to ask how I am

Not only did I send that mutual friend to inquire about his well being, I also sent that mutual friend his way to help him with his issues to begin with right after the breakup, told him what state I thought Alex was in, and to please be there for him, which he did. When I inquired about his well being, it was out of genuine concern. Only a person as psychotic as Alex could interpret something negative into this and take it as a reason to spread vile lies about someone. But I guess his mental illness is yet again a nice excuse for this sort of reaction.


10. Replaced

While I thought my friend's comment was absolutely hilarious, it was not initiated by myself, so I don't get why dear Alex gets all worked up over it and next has to ensure me that he can buy cock on the streets of London, or why I would have a problem with that. By all means, go get laid, Alex. Do it as often as you can. It might stop you from this unhealthy obsession you have over me, the person you didn't want to be with anymore, and who moved on, as you should have, months ago.


11. Domme and Safe Word

Again, I wasn't his Domme. We never had a safe word, never needed to, because this was not a Domme/sub relationship, although it's of course a lot easier for him now to claim that it was, simply to fit into the victim role much better. If anyone was abusive during our six months together, it was dearest Alex. And he continues to be, which I will show in the next chapters.


Alex's behaviour since he put out his video series:


1. Unlike Alex, I will not blame his friends' behaviour on him, although I have to mention that he openly condones it, often encourages it. Alex's friend Gunderson has written a lovely butthurt poem about me, yet didn't like the response it received after it was pointed out to me, Alex's friend OldeVampyr has accused me of being behind arguments she has with friends of mine, Alex's newfound friends (the very same who formerly harassed him simply for being with me) now spout their vile crap about me on his YouTube channel and videos, encouraging him in his own vile behaviour which I will indulge in below, and are encouraged by him to continue, despite what he said in his video. The entire time I haven't responded to a single one of them, except Gunderson, because I simply couldn't resist that one. One of his friends, and I still do not know which one, forwarded some very personal information about something horrible that happened to my daughter while she was not in my care, to him, which is the reason I disassociated myself from almost every mutual friend, since I simply can't trust any of them until I find out who forwarded that information, which was then used by Alex in the most vile of ways.

2. Alex himself has, as already hinted above, written a poem about my daughter, in which he not only calls her a slut (she's only 12 years old), but also mentions her by her actual name. Basically, he did a case of victim blaming. To a child. To have a go at me. This all happened in the comment section of one of OldeVampyr's videos. And while OldeVampyr claims she removed it as soon as she saw it, I have to call her out on a lie, since she commented several times herself after said poem was already in her comment section. I doubt she didn't see it, she just chose to ignore it, until she heard that it was going to be flagged.

3. After his poem comment was removed, he made a video in which he again mocked my daughter for what had happened and laughed about the fact that he had written a poem about the incident, dropping her real name. He also claimed I neglected my daughter, leaving her alone at home for three days while I had a turn in the sheets with my boyfriend, and that the incident happened then, which is a blatant lie. Various people however believed him and posted all sorts of abuse about me. I never left my daughter alone at home for several days. The days he is referring to, my daughter was spending her summer break with her father, and the incident happened long before that, during the time I prepared my place for her return, meaning, while not in my care. Either way though, the care she was in was not neglecting either. A teenager can be expected to be alone at home for a few hours after school while the caretaker is at work. It happened during that time, and nobody is to blame but the person who committed the crime.

4. Alex continues attacking people for no reason at all. One prime example is another YouTuber who made a video that had nothing to do with Alex. Alex however thought the video was about him (because he is an egocentric maniac). The person did not much wrong either, he simply stated that he would not stay subscribed to personal drama and unsubscribe from anyone who would drag relationship issues out on YouTube. In return Alex wished death upon that person, hoping to witness his death within this year, along with a tirade of name calling.

5. Another example of Alex assuming I am behind everyone who has a fight with him is his hatred towards Mimica. Mimica and I had no contact whatsoever for months, yet Alex continues claiming that Mimica is fighting him on my orders, when actually Alex continues attacking Mimica repeatedly. He went as far as digging out an old video that Mimica made in anger ages ago, and that he deleted and publicly apologized for a long time ago, just to make him look bad.

6. Alex also has beef with GluteusIlluminatus, and again, is calling him my minion, as if Glute doesn't have a mind of his own. Yes, Glute and I are friends, but I don't need to order him around. I doubt he'd take orders, to be honest. However, when Alex himself talks shit about Glute all the time (mainly the lies he was fed by Ashley), he doesn't need to be surprised when Glute is a bit irritated.

7. Last target in Alex's path is Andr0idThePoet, who simply had objections to the way Alex handles the fight with Mimica. In return Alex accused him of harassment and mental illness bashing. How rich, coming from him, considering what he is doing to me.

8. And while Alex falsely accuses Mimica and GluteusIlluminatus with distributing child pornography, which in itself is illegal, he threatens to drop their docs, which is a combination that is potentially dangerous for those two. If his claim had any merit, he'd report them to the police, rather than hoping some angry mob will latch on to the accusations he so freely throws around along with what he believes to be their docs. At least with me he posts death threats directly.
Fortunately all of his behaviour is documented. It's sad that it had to come to this, but that man needs help. And I don't mean help from online friends, but help from medical professionals. A sane person wouldn't do these things. I won't carry a grudge, but I will protect myself and my own from further attacks.

Friday, March 16, 2012

To StealthBadger, from my inner Felida

Dear Badger,

as you may be able to see in my previous blog entry, I have not been on my regular YouTube channels for some time now. I have at the same time posted a rather personal message on Facebook, giving a more detailed reasoning for my YouTube absence. As someone who until today found himself on my personal Facebook friend list, you may have seen that post as well. Had you up until the point I privated my channels followed them, you would also have personally witnessed some of the things that caused me to take this step. But let's not talk about your observational skills right now. Instead, let's address the reason for this blog entry here.

It was brought to my attention that you had in fact made a blog entry about me. How? Freethinkeronice, whom we will discuss briefly in my response to you soon, decided to message various friends of mine, claiming some kind of victory over me because you had decided to attack me on your blog. So naturally I went and looked. And while I initially responded on there briefly, I do feel I haven't fully addressed the issues you have mentioned, leaving room for you, or others, to perpetuate this further. I will therefor now give you a detailed response to everything you addressed, in the hopes to clear up any miscommunication.

Hello, Felida. For anyone else reading these words, this will be a bit confusing (though perhaps entertaining). For you, well, the last six calendar months or so have been filled with excitement for you, and I think I’ll add a nice red cherry to the top of your shit sundae.
I am not quite sure why you think discussing my personal life may have some entertainment factor for others, unless of course you are referring to the bullshit that you heard through the grapevine and are now echoing. But what I find much more curious is your statement in regards to the last six calendar months having been filled with exitement for me. I'm still unsure which events you are referring to. Are you talking about my health? My sex life? My family situation? My work? I personally didn't find anything particularly exciting, except perhaps the fact that I ended up in a relationship with someone I care about very much, while dealing with other factors that still influence my life negatively, such as my health issues. But surely that would be of no interest to you, or would it?

This little missive (just for you!) is inspired by your actions towards me about a year ago, or more specifically one action with a dollop of long-term deceit-through-omission on top. Simply put, you lied to me to my face in Liverpool, after I made it clear that I was making a real-life effort on your behalf, acting on the claims you had made to me. That really wouldn’t be so bad, except that you did this in front of other people, and that I said very clearly that if you were lying to me, that I would bury you. Now out of sheer self-interest, I’ve got to deliver, or it will be clear to anyone familiar with what happened that using me as a white knight to deflect drama is an acceptable tactic, and I’m afraid I can’t have that at all.

My actions towards you about a year ago? You mean when I told you about the exact events going on in regards to YouTube bullies, my personal health and the effect all this had on my physical and mental health? There was no deceit and there was no omission. There most definitely were no lies. I do find it rather interesting that you should now suddenly think I did. Have I tried using you as a white knight? Not at all. I simply told you about the effects the behaviour of a known troll group had on my personal life as well as the life of my family. You were the one who decided to get involved based on that. The only thing I ever asked of you is to not believe accusations without proper evidence. You were the one suggesting to talk to certain people on my behalf. All I wanted then, and all I want now, is to simply be left alone and not have my privacy violated. I think it's a fair thing to ask for.

There are parts of this post that are not for the squeamish; you have been warned.
And it was this sentence that indicated that you were not going to simply discuss my behaviour on YouTube or in Liverpool, but that your actual intention was to dive into my oh so kinky personal life. And frankly, I wonder why someone of your format should feel the need to do so. I thought you'd be above that. I guess I was wrong.

It really does boggle my mind when people do what you did, though. It took me a long term to come up with the words to describe it, it’s so foreign to me (and I may not have done that good a job of it, even though people do it to each other all the time, I just try not to get involved in it). Bluntly, you implicitly encouraged me to speak to others on your behalf under false pretenses – basically protesting innocence and letting me act on that assumption.

And this is where I must wonder what the hell you were smoking when writing this blog entry. I implicitly encouraged you to speak to others on my behalf? No, Badger, you offered it, thinking you would be able to get people to back off. And I gladly took you up on the offer, because I wanted some peace and quiet. There were no false pretenses. I hadn't done jack shit to any of these people, while everything I told you about the things happening to me were absolute truth. I did receive the phone calls to my house, two of which were picked up by my children. I did get massively flagged. I received a death threat from Zierota himself, a video which he later on removed, but which I have to this day stored on my computer for evidence. The harassment continues on and on, and I have evidence for it still on this very blog for you to look at (and plenty more stored on my computer). My only fault during that time was to even react to them and responding, first in videos, later on in comments, which, at your very own suggestion, I then stopped doing.

For you the issue was apparently over the moment I stopped responding. But not once did you see that in actuality it was NOT over. I kept receiving messages, my personal issues were still spread over YouTube by a bunch of sock accounts. My daughter had to close down her channel because they advertized it as "my sock", sending trolls to her channel to harass me. You didn't care about any of that anymore, just as long as I stopped responding. You did not once ask yourself what this did to me or my children. The past year has been hell, and I am sure the very people you are now defending are gloating over the fact I now admit it got to me, and it got to me just as much as they hoped to. My mental health went down the drain. But who cares, as long as you don't have to see anything from me in your inbox, right?

Not such a big deal in the greater scheme of things, I agree. Your attempt to use me as a shield is also unimportant; I only started talking with you about AoD because I wanted to minimize the damage, and I’m not that good a shield to begin with. Lastly, your perhaps-not-deliberate attempts to isolate me from the other people who were in on your shenanigans wasn’t that remarkable, but certainly was annoying. Again, since my silly ass didn’t factor in how desperately y’all wanted to fight, and how determined all of y’all were to get in the last blow, all that is a wash. I accept that I chose to do it, and that makes it my problem. However, I made a promise to you as I mentioned earlier, and I intend to keep it. I made it quite clear that if you were lying to me, that I was going to react badly, and here we are.
Use you how? By asking you to examine evidence rather than believing wild accusations? Your "help" consisted of telling me to shut up, and I did just that, while suffering a whole fuckload with every message I received from them. So you wanted to "minimize" damage? On whose side? Because the damage done to me was never minimized, Badger. Theirs may have been, because at your request I stopped responding, I stopped defending myself against the most ridiculous made up accusations. However, when did I try to isolate you from anyone? And who from? Because there were no people "in on my shenanigans". If you are talking about me talking in a separate Skype group to other people who were also victims of the very same trolls, I'm awfully sorry I didn't invite you into that group. But rest assured you are now and have always been free to talk to DeathOfSpeech and ReligionIsCancer. However you got it into your head that I was isolating you from anyone is beyond me. Also, you may wish to review the "desperation to fight". All I ever did is defend myself against false accusations and the spreading of my personal information, and at your own request I even stopped doing that. They however have not stopped throwing these false accusations and personal things around to this very day. So how exactly was I lying to you, Badger? I'm still quite baffled you make that claim.

So we’ve covered your flagging, you inciting to riot, your little kindergarten clique games, and you quite happily allowing me to wander in front of you as some kind of character witness. So not talking about any of the things above, what’s left to discuss? What can I do or say in a video that would be an appropriate response, with all that I’ve excluded?

You have covered my flagging? Oh, you mean the flagging of videos that either dropped my docs or linked to places that dropped my docs. The videos that revealed very private information about me, most of them even false information. Sorry, Badger, but I am well within my rights to flag down videos that discuss my sex life, my home address, my children, my health without my consent. Surely you must have some understanding for that. See, YouTube put that flag button there for a reason. And while it is often abused to silence people who talk about legitimate issues, I don't consider it an abuse to have material removed that discusses a person's private life, or worse, gives out their personal details. While I may have slipped on that issue myself with other people in the past, I have also later on removed such videos and apologized, because it was out of line and they would have been well within their rights to flag me for those. I guess that is the whole point. You disagree with me on whether people are allowed to drag another person's personal things all over the web. Fair enough, you are allowed to disagree with me there. But funnily enough, the law in my country as well as YouTube ToS agree with me, not you. As I stated before, feel free to discuss my misconduct on YouTube all you want, call me names, for all I care, but my personal life is just that: PERSONAL.

Inciting riot? When and where? When I vented about how the things done to me by these trolls made me feel? That's all I ever did, Badger. I vented. You listened. Wander in front of me as some kind of character witness? I simply wanted you to see me for who I am, not for what some people would like to make me out to be. I asked you to apply reason and examine evidence, giving you my side of the story, encouraging you to ask them for their "evidence". You independently came to the conclusions you came to, so don't try to now blame me for somehow influencing you. You being influenced seems to be what is happening now. Because as you may recall, I never once asked you to not listen to them, on the contrary, I asked you to hear both sides. Now however, you are attacking me without ever having heard my side of the story, and seem to have made up your mind already. That's what I call bias, dearest Badger.

Let’s begin with putting what you do in proper perspective. If I were to believe your words and that you’re completely innocent of all (or most) wrongdoing, then I’d be believing that you are some kind of morally superhuman angel who just happens to be both wholly guileless and infinitely gullible, and also that against all odds you manage to consistently be surrounded with malicious liars, never managing to detect them before you are horribly maligned and terrorized by said evil-doers. I don’t think I buy that.

Oh, how well sarcasm suits you. Or not. Fact is that yes, I can be a gullible fool that trusts people way too quickly. One of my biggest flaws is that I am prone to falling for compliments. Kiss my ass and gain my trust. It happens a lot. Not necessarily because I enjoy having my ass kissed, but because I am a sucker for being liked and loved. Because whether you believe it or not, I am a person with rather low self esteem, and those close enough to me know that. Yes, it feels good to be complimented, it feels like someone cares about me, and I am entirely too trusting entirely too fast. And for that often get burned. I also happen to like voicing my opinion when I think something is unfair, even if it isn't for my own benefit at all, on the contrary, even when it is detrimental to my own standing. Combine the two, and you can see how someone like me can make many enemies fast. I trust people I shouldn't yet trust with the most personal things, then I piss them off because I see them treat someone else (occasionally myself as well) unfairly, and they have all the ammo against me they need to "get me back" for not having their backs.

By the same token, I don’t buy your appeals to absurdity that go with the several times in jest you have claimed responsibility for a long list of tragic world events in order to make the point that you can’t be guilty of all that’s claimed about you. The simple truth is that you do a lot of stupid, petty, childish bullshit, some of which is mentioned above, but you almost never do it alone. No, you are a social creature, and you love external affirmation.
And again, here is what I am guilty of: I have low self esteem that goes hand in hand with my dysthymia, which makes me prone to mistake false flattering for genuine affection. I am also guilty of having a temper. I am also guilty of defending myself when falsely accused. Oh wait, where is the guilt in that? It always appeared to me that in your book that was the worst possible thing I can do. Defend myself against false accusations. And when I try to take it in good humour, mocking the very accusations thrown at me, it's not good either? Gosh, Badger, you are hard to please. Shall I remain a doormat then? Lay down for anyone to walk all over me? May I have another, please, Sir? Yes, I am a social creature. I need the external affirmation, but not for the reasons you claim. I need it because without it I feel unloved. It's part of the dysthymia, and I am fucking working on it, but all this shit is not making it any easier, you know?

Unfortunately for you, this means it all eventually comes out if someone is willing to wait and listen for long enough. There are many conflicts you’ve been involved in, and the past year-and-some of digging up information has been full of interesting revelations, the most interesting being confirmation that you have the habit of participating in some naughtiness with someone, and then when there is a falling out with that person, wedging as much of the blame as possible for the shenanigans on your erstwhile compatriot.

No, unfortunately this means that I am too trusting, and often that trust is abused the moment someone doesn't like the way I handle things. The past "year and a half" of quotemines and doctored bullshit you most likely received I have already seen and dismissed. And so have all others who have seen full logs of what actually happened. Logs I could have supplied you with as well, but now I don't think I will, since you already made up your mind anyway. You may get luckier interviewing the other parties that "poor innocent person" you are referring to has contacted and harassed over the past three months. I'm fairly sure you will then see where I am coming from.

By the way, Felida, this would be why I distanced myself from you so quickly, and so completely after the meetup in Liverpool. It was already obvious that you tended to encourage and mirror the worst in people, and I wanted no part of that recurring theme. Once you’d – and I’d like to repeat this for emphasis – lied to my face about your snow-white innocence when I was offering help, I knew that for a time at least, I was only of minimal use to you as a character reference and of little interest at all because I wasn’t going to be participating in your childish bullshit. This left me with a free hand and the knowledge that as long as I was marginally less sloppy than you, that I could dig around undisturbed.

Let me rephrase this for you:

"I got all cozy with you until you trusted me, knowing you are a trusting fool, and then kept that trust you had in me to dig around in your personal shit to find more ammo for my new friends, keeping track of everything I said, while you may have worded something sloppily, letting your guard down, since you thought you could trust me. Mwahahaha."

My, my, what a nice person you are. So who actually was lying here, Badger? You or me? You're openly admitting to getting close enough to me to try and dig up shit on me, and you kept quiet until... when exactly? Oh, until someone with a bit of a butthurt over me being in a relationship whinges about my evilness. Why not earlier? Could you not find any dirt on me, because you noticed I was completely open and honest with you? Gosh, what a surprise.

Now while you’re thinking about what you’re going to do in response to this, I’d just like you to consider that I held off on responding for a year, not out of the goodness of my heart, but in order to both prepare and wait for the proper moment. You now have a minimum lower bound for how long I will hold off on retaliating in order to make sure of my facts, and figure out just how to share how I felt about your dishonesty without doing so in a way that endanger anyone who was not directly involved, or cross any boundaries that might cause a backlash in my non-internet life.
If I were one of your friends, I'd now be outraged and ask you if that's a threat to blackmail me into being silent. But lucky for you I am not one of them, so I am again suggesting that the reason for your "long silence" was the fact that despite trying to dig up dirt on me you didn't find anything. Your dishonesty in this matter however, pretending to be someone who cared, when all you wanted was to get close enough to get the paparazzi shot, is quite disturbing. Boy, oh boy, did I misjudge your character there. Story of my life, I guess. So go ahead and bash me publicly, just like your friends. Talk shit about who I am with, how fat I am, how I should get a job or clean my house, diagnose my medical conditions, talk about my children. Not like none of this has happened to me before. I am sort of growing immune to that by now. You see, every time my personal life gets spread on YouTube, here is what I do: I flag it. Legitimately so. If you feel the need to go through that process, so you can make a butthurt video claiming I false flagged you, be my guest. As I said, I don't really watch YouTube anymore. My channels have been privated and all you will find of me is me singing. Any of this bullshit brought to that channel will be deleted without a response and if violating my privacy it will be flagged. I hope we understand each other there. If not, your loss, not mine.

Ultimately, I don’t particularly feel like arguing over hearsay, so I’ll just point out a few things that you’ve made very plain; I think you’ll find what comes out when you put all the facts together to be quite interesting.

Hot damn, you could have fooled me here. So far, hearsay is all we have discussed. Actually, that is what your entire blog post is based on. But let's continue:

First, you’re involved in the BDSM community. No shame in that.

And why do you feel the urge to publicly talk about this? Aside from the fact that I haven't made this public on YouTube until I was forced to do so by the person you are defending in your blog entry. You know, the personal business stuff. It's personal.

Second, you are having an ongoing dispute with a former submissive. I’ve had that happen before. Seen it happen all the time. No biggie.

I'm not having an ongoing dispute. He is. I blocked him from any possible way to contact me, since I have no interest communicating with that psycho lunatic, who, by the way, has stalked other Dommes in the past. But surely you already heard his story of "we made up", which is bullshit. I happen to have e-mail correspondence with her proving otherwise. But of course he always finds enablers willing to bring his bullshit to my doorstep. Congratulations, you are one of them now. So no, I don't have a dispute. The dispute has been settled: He's not my sub anymore, I am happy with it. Further communication not needed. See where this is going?

Third, you’ve taken a different submissive quite publicly, including flogging the sub with a whip that you used on the previous one. Now that’s arguably in poor taste, but not awful… unless, of course, you haven’t been cleaning the whip between uses. If I recall correctly, you were quite plain about enjoying leaving deep marks when flogging someone. As you should know, this means that small amounts of blood such would be left on the whip, which means in turn that your current sub is physically connected to your former one in a very real sense – again only if you haven’t been cleaning the whip.
This is where it actually becomes amusing how much you go on the very hearsay you claim you don't want to go by. I have quite publicly engaged in a relationship. Not taken on a submissive. Equal partners. And I have never once flogged him, not with the whip I used on that sub, nor with any other item. Wherever you get that idea, I have no clue, but boy, does this statement make you look like a drama whore. Also, I was not quite plain about enjoying leaving deep marks on a sub, on the contrary. I did state that I enjoyed seeing marks that vanished within the day. What I was keen about was the whimpering. As a matter of fact, I specifically stated I don't like drawing blood, even in tiny amounts. However, why am I even telling you this? Because frankly, other than you drama whoring, I see no reason why you would have brought this up.

Your current sub (I hope he’s reading this) would be in an excellent position to know, because If you are cleaning it, you have alcohol swabs or some such and something like mink oil close at hand (some Doms give the subs the duty of cleaning the whip, some don’t) because cleaning and sterilizing a whip or flogger properly dries out the leather. If, on the other hand, you were cleaning it and not oiling it, the cracked leather would cut your sub’s skin. Again, just to make this point clear: if you aren’t cleaning the whip (read as: if you are as lazy and sloppy about being a Dom as you are everything else) then from an epidemiological standpoint your current and former subs are almost as closely connected as if they’d had sex together (I really hope he’s reading this and thinking about the minute flakes of freethinkeronice’s skin and blood being driven into his back).
Once again, I have no "current sub". But my (equal) partner has read this blog entry, as I am sure he informed you about. While I appreciate your suggestion in regards to how to properly clean a whip, which of course was unneeded, as I already know how to, I am not too fond of you going the "lazy and sloppy" route. This sounds very much like the insults dear freethinkeronice is using when he refers to me. And surely you are not one of the people who will bash someone suffering from dysthymia as lazy and sloppy. Surely you will acknowledge how depression can wear you down to the point you have no energy left for anything else. And surely you will also ask the person you are getting all this information from for full logs where I informed him on multiple occasions why I could not handle him because of my depression, yet he kept begging to please be allowed to continue being my sub. Surely you will also see how due to being utterly exhausted I simply didn't have the strength for the longest time to tell him to fuck off and cope with his stalking behaviour afterwards (which he is displaying now).

Fourth, and more interestingly, you have clearly and unequivocally taken a new sub while you are in a loud and public dispute with a former one. Not only are you encouraging the new guy to take abuse from the old one for you, you’re doing nothing to shield him from it. If anything, all you’ve done is portray yourself as a victim, and mocked the criticism of you as overblown hyperbole; which makes me ask, who exactly is the Dominant in your relationship, and are you just Topping from the bottom?
The amount of ROFL in this post is absolutely fantastic. I stress again, that I have an equal partner, not a sub. Also, I am in no loud dispute, as stated before, I am trying my best to avoid his hissy fits, while HE is in a public dispute all by himself, encouraged by people like yourself. I am sure once you get to meet him better, you will see how much of a mental case he really is, and how detrimental to his own health your encouragement of his behaviour is. If you cared just a tiny bit about his well-being, you would encourage him to get help rather than encourage him to attack me. Again, I have logs and evidence of his previous psychotic behaviour and him admitting to having a problem with obsession and paranoia, and I genuinely tried to help him throughout the entire time he was submitting to me, but whatever help he may have gotten by now, I am sure people like you have destroyed that bit. Am I encouraging my new boyfriend to take abuse from freethinkeronice? Surely not. I have asked him, for the mental health of freethinkeronice, whom I know to be mentally ill, to not respond, at times unsuccessfully so. Have I done nothing? Wrong again. I have a phone recording of me talking to the Belgian police, I also have filed a police report here in Germany. "PROOF OR GTFO" you may say. Well, tough luck, my friend, you have revoked all your privileges to evidence from my side by means of your blog entry. The evidence is in the hands it belongs to: the cops. The nice thing is: This time, since I actually have a name and location within the EU, they will most likely not just drop it due to lack of public interest. Yay for me, eh?

Even more than all of that, I’m puzzled by the fact that you participate in internet drama despite claiming many times that it actually endangers you because of the heart condition. I’m puzzled by the way that your back prevents you from doing so many things that you need to do (namely to keep your house clean for reasons we both know, and that you advertised to MANY people when trying to rally people to the cause of someone you identified with), but the heart condition doesn’t prevent you from doing what you want to do for fun, while (again, for emphasis) your back prevents you from doing (or arranging to have done) what you NEED to do as an adult. I’m saddened by the fact that you consistently fail to act like an adult in a mutually informed and consensual relationship based on power exchange, and instead act like someone with the self-control and maturity of a three-year-old on anabolic steroids. I fervently hope that no child looks to you for an example of what responsible adulthood looks like.

Which part of I am not participating haven't you yet caught on to? Privating my channels, not commenting, instead simply sticking to singing and only letting close friends know what is actually going on is participating? Gosh, Badger, that's even better than last time. What do you expect me to do? Move off this planet for the time being? And again it proves the old point that even if I don't engage, I do get blamed for what other people do anyway. So while again my docs are dropped, my house is called, the person even threatens to make my phone number go viral, I do nothing, and you STILL blame ME? See the flaw in your theory? My channels have been offline for over a week. I can participate in drama without being there, hallelujah! I'm omnipresent!

And just like your beloved friends, you now ramble on about my health issues, and how I appear to not be unhealthy enough to do fun stuff, but can't do what I need to do. In other words: "Felida is a lazy, selfish bitch!" Quick, spread the gospel! Fact is: I am too unhealthy for most fun stuff, as you might have noticed in Liverpool, if you just had been observant enough. Plenty of people can testify to the massive amounts of medication I took for my heart, my back and my depression. I even shared some of my pain medication with others when they needed some, as you may recall. And still, even with all the meds I was on, I had to opt out of participating in quite a few events because of my health issues. Had you been in London during that gathering, you also would have witnessed some of that.

Now in regards to that sub/Domme relationship you are referring to: I did act responsibly towards him at all times. I saw to it that he took better care of his health, I stopped him from irresponsibly spending money on me, even though he begged to be allowed to do just that, I told him to get the mental help he is in desperate need of. And I informed him when I didn't feel capable of being his Domme anymore due to my own mental health. Instead of accepting that, he kept crying and begging, and my biggest mistake was not having the strength to turn him down then and instead keep trying to be there for him, wearing myself thinner and thinner. But I don't even see why I am discussing this with you, since it is none of your business, nor anyone else's. So tell me again, why are we dragging my personal relations that you don't know jack shit about all over the internet? And frankly, to hint at my children in your blog entry is just low. Especially since you are going on hearsay only, which you said you wouldn't. Honesty, Badger? Where's yours?

I wonder at your priorities, and I have to say that I’m somewhat dismayed by them, and I have exactly two pieces of advice for you: don’t even think about coming at me. You don’t have the patience to outlast me, and you don’t have the discipline or the resources to do anything more than piss me off. Second, grow the fuck up and take care of your children, who are far more important than any power-trip you get from the people you find and dispose of on the Internet.
Ah, priorities. You see, that is WHY I privated my channels. That is WHY I am getting the help I need. That is WHY I haven't engaged in any bullshit with freethinkeronice, but instead called the cops right away when he continued to harass me. What would you suggest I do instead, dearest Badger?

As far as "coming at you": I am responding to you this once, because I want you to know exactly how I feel about you talking about my personal life on the internet, based on nothing but hearsay, which you so desperately wanted to avoid and stick to the facts. I don't have the patience to outlast you? Perhaps not. Nor do I need it. You're dramawhoring, and I learned from the best that dramawhores best go ignored. Although I did feel the urge to respond in detail this one time. My psychologist will probably say it wasn't a good idea, but hey, I'll tell her about it in therapy and I promise we will walk through it. Perhaps she can suggest a good one for you as well. Is dramawhoring a recognized mental illness yet? If not, it should be. :D

Oh, and again: "Take care of your children." Why thank you for that advice. I am, and have been. And during times my health is stopping me from taking care of them properly, my mother is helping me out. That's the kind of thing people do for each other as a family. Awesome how that works, right? As for the people I "dispose of", you are aware I never "disposed of" freethinkeronice, right? I even offered to be there for him as a friend and cared about him as such, which is why my boyfriend did NOT lash out at him as he would have wanted to. But it's quite obvious that effort was wasted.

Lastly, even if you learn nothing else, remember this: some people have personal pride to uphold, even if it’s only for themselves. The casual way in which you tread on the integrity of others may be even worse because their response will be nothing personal, just business. Oh, and you needn’t worry about me teaming up with your enemies. If I didn’t like them before, I still don’t like them now. I’m washing my hands of you, not my sense of honor.

My favourite round, the advice one! Can I throw some at you in return? Don't say you don't go by hearsay, when you obviously do, slamming your foot so far down your throat, it ends up partially digested. Oh, and I know I needn't worry about you teaming up with my enemies, because you obviously already have! Seems you accidentally flushed your "honor" down the drain when you went after me based on nothing but the hearsay they fed you without even confirming what bit of it is true and what not. Makes you a rather sad puppy.

Goodbye. It would be best if we never spoke again. I’ve prepared for your brand of bullshit because you don’t listen well, but it really would be best for you to walk away.
I'll translate that again: "Bye, bitch. I know that more people read my blog than yours, so whatever I say about you will spread further. I'm prepared to spread more of the bullshit I'm fed for the sake of perpetuating some drama I know nothing about, if you don't keep down and take a beating, like I told you before."

Unfortunately for you I have already walked away from the DramaTubes. What are you going to do? Send the trolls to my singing channel? Flag my singing videos? Stalk me through comment sections? Talk more shit about me?

Is this what this is all about? A competition of who can talk shit better? In that case, don't bother. I forfeit. You win when it comes to that.

Of course there is, as always, the good old offer of "oopsy, fucked up, so let's undo this", because I am just too good for this world: You can delete your post, which can be proven to be full of lies, hypocricy and idiocy, and I will remove mine as well, we will never talk about this again and simply forget it happened, except we will also not talk to each other anymore.

Alternatively, my blog post stays up and so does yours, and the amount of shit I don't give about whatever you can throw out on YouTube will grow immesurable. Just keep my flagging policy in mind. My personal business has no business being on there, even when you urged me to address it on here. It wasn't ME who decided to publicly talk about this, but YOU.


It appears StealthBadger has posted a follow up which looks somewhat like this:

As I assumed, no further response is necessary. I shall now move on to more entertaining things, such as watching paint dry. :-)